Collective Wishes

Thank you Nancy - keep up the pressure!!!

2012-01-25T22:38:00.011-05:00

First of all: whatever. I've been following Senator Nancy Pelosi's career for a very long time and it occurs to me that all the Republicans are basically afraid of her. Why? Because only she knows the dirt on the worst Republican of them all, and that's so-called "Newt" Gingrich. Basically, she knows the scoop on how he got the nickname "Newt." Normally I wouldn't post this information, since she's keeping it a secret, but the stupid Republicans and Fib-ertarians out there can't read, and the ones who can don't go to my blog. So here goes:

A long time ago, way back when "Newt" (real name: Boonwicker) was just a kid, he got in trouble for arguing with his 4th grade teacher. He demanded that the kids be allowed to cheer during show-and-tell. She said that cheering "Undermined the solemn dignity of the occasion." So he decided from that point on, he would never again be thwarted by a "mere woman."

Later that night, while most children were at home chilling, Boonwicker was plotting destruction. When nobody was looking, he snuck out of the house and drove five miles to the Elementary School after first stopping for a quick burger at McDonald's. When he got there, he did something so loathsome that I can't even speak of it....but here goes.

Boonwicker knew that Mars was in ascension and Jupiter was in the 7th house and that the vernal equinox and the summer solstice had merged for the first time in 10,000,000 years. It was a time of great magical potential for most people, but not ol' Boonwicker. For him, it was a chance to destroy the very fabric of reality in that classroom. First he drew out a circle using chalk that he didn't pay for from the blackboard. Then he laid out scented candles that he stole from his grandmother, Mama Gingrich. Then he did the unthinkable: he took the class mascot, Jerry the Newt, from his little glass terrarium. At the top of his voice he shouted, "Odin! Hera! Oh little known Hindu god Tika Redclaw! If you give me the power to get in major trouble and have everyone know about it and SUCCEED ANYWAY, then I will totally be thankful...!" To seal the horrible contract, he plucked Jerry's eye out and ate it. This final act was what gave him his powers, and that night will forever be known as his Contract with O-Hera-Claw.

The next morning, the teacher found out, sent him to the principal's office, and when he got back, all the republican kids cheered him, yelling, "Newt! Newt! Newt!" over and over again. The democrat kids were too horrified. One of those democrat kids was Nancy Pelosi.

Don't tell anyone this story until he gets the so-called "nomination."

59 point earthquake is NOT Obama's "fault"

2011-08-23T21:11:00.006-04:00

Everyone keeps saying that the earthquake that just struck Virginia is Obama's fault but I'm here to say quite the opposite: the events leading up to this earthquake started under the previous administration.

Some so-called "reporter" was erroneously talking about how the president was playing golf, and then the earthquake happened due to a "fault". Disgusting. That reporter should be fired. If those reporters knew anything then they would have mentioned that Barrack hates golf but has to play because he's being forced to by the corporations. Fat cat millionaires and private jet owners have been leaning on him heavily to play golf, so he's picking his battles. But he WILL win the war.

A popular hip-hop artist describes his feelings about the negative criticism being leveled by Fox News: "Man, this erf-quake is wack, yo. Das fo' damn sure."

I couldn't agree more.

Following the untimely death of Usama bin Ladin, white people are celebrating

2011-05-04T21:55:00.003-04:00

I think it is disgusting. A human being died, and now we have shows like this popping up all over TV, showing jubilant white children claiming that they no longer have to live in fear for what the republicans have done to the world. Well, I am here to tell you: you are WRONG. Until I can walk down the street and buy government issued bread and water from my grocery store - with carbon credits - your oil-soaked dreams of islamic occupation in the mid east will never succeed!

Momentous events are upon us, in the world at large...

2011-05-03T19:13:00.003-04:00

To all of my readers, those of you who have returned here every day for the last 280+ days to see if I have written anything new, I want you to know that every time I checked to see if the account was still active, I was thinking about you. One of these times was just the other day. Anyway, I am sure many of you came back several times a day hoping that I had posted something on the various topics that have plagued the planet (the hurricane that caused all the reactors in China to explode, the tomato outbreak in Atlanta, and Prince Harry's wedding in Scotland), and for that, I will probably never forget you. I just want to say that those things were horrible.

One thing that I am sure you may have heard of is that Usama bin Laden is now presumed missing in the Mid East. There are many rumors, and very few facts in these malconsistant times... Unfortunaterly, some people (Bush, mostly) and others (Jeff Foxworthy) have been suggesting that Usama was murdered by our president, Barrack Obama. He was not. The president was doing his best to help a bad situation all around, and yes, some things probably went wrong, and that's a good reason why we need more gun control, especially in the so-called "military". Barrack Obama didn't come right out and say it, but it was there if you knew what to look for: guns are dangerous, and if you use them, people will get hurt. Bush knew this and did nothing to stop it.

Anyway, I have to go do something. Please continue to check back here every day to see if I have posted anything new. It means so much.

Until next time,
Candle

Taking a tiny break

2010-10-13T21:18:00.004-04:00

Because blogging once a week can be extremely exhausting and emotionally traumatizing, I am pausing my endless crusade against bigotry and hegemony to contemplate the gentle sparrow, who flaps her majestic wings over mighty lakes and mountains, seas and starfields, chased by the shadow of a dream... I have been contemplating that sentence for the last two minutes, and it reminds me that if you pause and put your mind to something you can really make a difference.

Though technically I am resting and not blogging, I must follow my muse, for I feel a poem coming on:

Ecstasy's Child
Do I love my inner child?
Does it love me, Candle Wylde?
I must abort this inner fetus,
Before it grows up and tries to eat us.

The songs of yesterday do not matter today,
La la la, hoo a lay...
That's Hawaiian for, "I don't know,"
To which I respond, "Hoo haka lo..."

New green campaign to stop global warming!

2010-10-01T15:29:00.002-04:00

Hi guys, here's the new ad campaign that's going to stop global warming. Its really neat and everyone in the video has a British accent! I couldn't have done it better myself!

Make sure you watch it now, because the Republicans keep using their hackers to take it down!

Thanks El Pollo Real for the tip.

When the poor have nowhere to go...

2010-10-01T09:37:00.007-04:00

Witness below the true cost of being rich in so-called "America". These children illustrate my point exactly. Normally I have little regard for children, because they just steal oxygen from the rain forests and contribute to childhood obesity. However, as you can see in this video, rich people have been pushing them away from safe places to ride their skateboards. Now, because of corporations, they can't exercise in peace without running over oddly placed wooden inclines or suddenly coming upon dangerous concrete steps, forcing them to jump at the last minute onto precarious metal handrails to avoid a dangerous tumble. What kid wants to be skating along and then suddenly fall off the edge of a 5 foot high drop, because industrialists have removed all the government-approved roller skating facilities? What kid wants to play in some abandoned warehouse district? Nobody has these answers, and if they do, they aren't talking.

Republican jerks, if you don't realize by now the horrors of capitalism, maybe you should start. If only to save your precious so-called "children" so that they can grow up to worship Jesus, oppress women and attack Muslims.

How to stop so-called "protestors" from disrupting peaceful meetings

2010-09-25T02:08:00.002-04:00

In this video, you learn how to keep violent right-wing extremist protesters from ruining democratic meetings. Thank you Idaho Spud for this training video.

Take THIS Republicans! Eat our new logo!!!

2010-09-15T21:13:00.004-04:00

Why isn't the media reporting more about CHRISTIANS burning the Muslim holy book?!

2010-09-13T19:43:00.005-04:00

OMFG DID YOU HEAR WHAT'S HAPPENING IN FLORIDA? There's this crazy pastor who has been burning the sacred holy book of the Muhadamians, the Quaaorana-ibm-satchmo, or as Fox News consistently and racistly reports, the "Quoran"...

I am so disgusted I can't think straight. They should arrest that pastor today under Habeas Corpus and send him to Palestine and see how much he likes burning them. I'm positive that by about the 5th or 6th Quaaoran he would LEARN that what he is doing is intolerant! If he did that they would teach him a lesson he'd NEVER forget, and the world would bear VIDEO witness to his stupid racist machismo ways. That's the difference between countries that respect each others' right to not burn books and the so-called "freedom loving" hypocrite countries like the United Mistakes of Americrap.

The other day on the way home from Cosi, I happened upon an unattended Quaaorana-ibm-satchmo. It was sitting on a bench, perhaps accidentally forgotten by someone on his (or her) way to prayer. Did I suddenly get the insane desire to burn it? NO! I picked it up carefully, using napkins and tinfoil so as to show my reverence to its sacred vellum pages and its lovingly decorated cover. I then got on my knees in supplication to Gaea so that I would have the strength to crawl my way to the Mosque, two miles away, on my knees....which I did. I was bruised and bleeding and exhausted by the time I got there. When I arrived, I was able to get the Book to the Imam that was in attendance. I did NOT look at him - because I am a heathen, and it would be a grave insult to do that. No, I looked away in shame for what my people have done to his people. He laughed scornfully at me and slammed the doors, and when my ears stopped ringing I knew that my prayers to Gaea were answered: I had achieved my rightful place in his eyes, and I felt my soul glow...

Race-based Police Brutality gone crazy in Silver Spring Maryland at the Discovery Channel Headquarters

2010-09-02T14:30:00.004-04:00

Yesterday I learned from my friends at democraticunderground.org that a horrible case of police brutality occurred in Silver Spring Maryland, where an environmentalist peace activist doing a demonstration - which is protected by the First Amendment - was brutally attacked by so-called "police officers". These "police officers" fired LEAD BASED bullets at him in the middle of his demonstration, which of course killed him. Also, he was ASIAN.

This is disgusting, who are these people? Reporters tried to find out. It turns out that a high percentage of the officers at the scene that day were white, possibly Republican. When reporters asked them to justify this unprovoked attack on a man who only wanted to protect the environment, they were told "No Comment".

What are they trying to hide?!

Actual pictures from Glenn Beck's racist white pride rally

2010-08-30T15:38:00.004-04:00

I keep hearing ridiculous stories about how thousands and thousands of people showed up on the Mall in DC this weekend, and I can tell you first hand that this is a lie. I was there. As you can see in this picture, very few people attended, and I'm not even sure if they were actually attending or if they were on their way to a museum or something. Have these racist fascist capitalist baby lovers no shame?!

Planned Parenthood cares about kids

2010-08-25T17:56:00.004-04:00

In an effort to dispel the myth that Planned Parenthood doesn't care about kids, they have created the following site to help promote safety for children. Please send this out to any breeder friends you may have so that their kids can be safer: Kid Safety

Demand: stop calling it the "Ground Zero Mosque"

2010-08-19T10:09:00.005-04:00

I am disgusted and appalled at the lack of respect for the new and glorious mosque
that our peaceful friends, the Muslims of the world, are building in New York for us. Repeatedly I keep hearing it referred to as the "Ground Zero Mosque". This is an abomination under their holy, many-headed god "Allah".
The number zero, in the Muslim world, is considered the lowest of all possible numbers, and therefore when Fox News and other right wing so-called "news" people refer to it as "ground zero", what they are doing is saying that a Muslim mosque is worth absolutely zero. I do not know how all this started, but we liberals should NOT play this game. We should demand that there be no reference to "ground zero" or any other numbers when referring to mosques, or to "Mohammad", the ancient, all-powerful blue demigod that is worshiped in many parts of the Middle East and in the United States.
My Muslim friends tell me that if we wish to refer to the site of the new mosque as "Great Ground of Infinite Conquest over the Great Satan" then that would be more in keeping with their spiritual equilibrium. I implore everyone to honor their collective wishes....

We need to stop racism in cartoons!

2010-08-10T16:22:00.004-04:00

In an effort to stop racism in the world and abroad, I am humbly asking the Government of the United States of America to rename the cartoon character "Speedy Gonzales" to a more culturally sensitive name.

It is a disgusting shame that whenever someone sees a piece of cheese laying around, everyone thinks a little cloud of smoke will appear, followed by the cheese immediately disappearing. This is not the way Mexicans behave. Nor, in fact, do they walk around going "Hey, I'm the fastest person in all of Mexico!"

Unfortunately, so-called "Speedy" Gonzalez does this all the time. Even if it
is only in cartoon format, this has to stop. I am suggesting the following culturally sensitive names for this character which will help reduce the stigma attached to Mexicans of Latino descent.

1) Industrious Sancho - The hardest working mouse in all of North America!
2) Prolific Pedro - The handsomest mouse in all of the Southwest!
3) Careful Hernandez - The highest number of emergency room visits in all of Arizona!

Each of these names illustrates an often overlooked quality among the gentle people of the South, namely: Hard work, zest for life, and healthy living. You won't catch any of these mice eating artery-clogging dairy food, which is cruelly stolen from cows (what do the calves drink? Nobody knows...).

Anyway, I recommend that all my readers mail their Congress-persons and get them to make a change. I challenge YOU to be The most conscientious activist in all of the Blogosphere!

Lesbian Pelican - one womyn's ode....

2010-08-02T15:23:00.004-04:00

Lesbian Pelican:

Down in the Gulf of Mexico,
Where no immigrant's allowed to go,
Where BP continues to defile and despoil,
The world and its creatures with cancerous oil...

The republicans are racists,who speak only hate,
Perhaps they need to go on a great date?
But if they did, they'd only get one,
Because Republicans only ruin other people's fun...as they did vacationers in the gulf...

That is why, down below Texas(or, if facing north, the right of mexico),
Which is raped every day by BP and Sunoco...
Why down in the Gulf, where Penguins have been seen,
The water will never, ever again, be green....

Anyway, you know what I mean, the world is a mess,
And that is why, in September, when you vote for Congress,
You need to vote Democrat,and not for Republicans,
Unless you want to see...oil-soaked...pelicans....

Why everyone should be forced to buy a Chevy Volt

2010-07-30T13:20:00.004-04:00

I am hopping mad right now because our side is winning, and yet all of them are afraid of the Republican so-called "backlash" in the September election. Basically, President Obama forced GM to make the Chevy Volt, which is great. This car gets something like 40 miles on a single charge, and only uses gasoline if you have some capitalist need to go out of your local community. So it FORCES people to conserve more, which is great for the environment, and good for everyone. Its incredible. Personally, they needed to lose the stupid gas tank, but again, our side caved to the special interests. Anyway, the car costs $40,000, which isn't that much if EVERYONE is paying it (after all, if everyone can jump 10 feet in the air, rather than about 3 feet, then people wouldn't be surprised at all - 10 feet would seem like it was 'normal').

Great reasons to force people to buy the Chevy Volt:
1) It would free the world from competition, because people WOULDN'T buy gas-guzzling cars from non-green companies like Ford and Toyota. Ford purposely didn't take any bailout money so that they could continue to destroy the rainforests, and they need to pay.

2) Forcing everyone, not just a few people, to buy the Volt would actively engage ALL people to help the world, and helping the world is the reason we have a government at all, isn't it?

3) Once we force people to buy a Chevy Volt, getting them to do other things will be that much easier. Tv's that only run 40 minutes, computers that only run 40 minutes, and lots of other things that will only operate for about 40 minutes before cutting off.

4) Once the other car companies are out of business, we can even get the battery life down to maybe 20 miles, rather than 40, and this would allow people to spend more time in their local communities. Local communities, local communities LOCAL COMMUNITIES. Good for you, good for me, good for the entire community.

5) Once everyone starts buying the Chevy Volt, people will realize that taking over GM was a great idea, because their profits will go through the roof. And that helps them, it helps us, and everyone in local communities everywhere.

The Democrats just need to get a backbone and push this thing. Or tomorrow, there will be no more oceans.

If it weren't for Collective Wishes, Peaceful Dreams would be the greatest blog ever, even after only two posts.

2010-07-27T08:57:00.003-04:00

Peaceful Dreams is a very progressive blog by a person who appreciates me as a person, a friend, and a protector of human rights and other things. I am pretty sure that whoever is in charge of it is already being flooded by hundreds of visitors. Now, after this post, I hope that my readers will push that number into the millions.

Candle Undercover: lessons in context

2010-07-21T20:24:00.008-04:00

Because of all the context issues I'm seeing in the news today, I thought it was time to do a little undercover investigation of my own, on Youtube. To conceal my identity, I did my research from a local library (not saying which one), taking breaks from time to time at Cosi in Balston, Arlington Virginia.

The footage you see below is from a peaceful assemblage by the New Black Panthers. Much has been made of the supposed "racism" or so-called "violence" advocated in this video, and yet little has been said about the obvious fact that this video lacks one important thing: context.

As you may have heard (or perhaps you have not, you decide), there is a recent video that was released by one "Andrew Breitbart" creator of an infamous and mostly ignored and/or unknown website called "Breitbart.com". As the name implies, it is said by many that this website is devoted mostly to Andrew himself. However, occasionally he posts videos that are completely out of context, like the video the other day about Shirley Sherrod, a worker for the NCAA who was laid off for making fun of white racist farmers - OR SO THEY SAY. What REALLY happened is a whole 'nother story, as the saying goes... But I digress.

Anyway, the following video of the New Black Panthers will finally shed light on what everyone knows is the real issue: racial context:

ANALYSIS:
1) Crackers (00:41): the man in the video, whose name is King Samir Shabazz (kinda sounds like Sherrod, doesn't it? Hmm....), well, he mentions how he wants to kill "crackers". What he THEN goes on to say, if you watch the rest of the footage that was deleted, is that he USED to believe this, but then changed his mind after thinking about it a while. I, for one, believe him.

2) Killing "cracker" babies (1:09): First of all, in the additional footage which was conveniently "lost", he goes on to say that he is a big supporter of Planned Parenthood, and by saying "kill some cracker babies", he was saying in his own culturally significant way, "I think that young people, especially young white people who maybe made a mistake, should think about the possibility of abortion so that they aren't penalized with a cracker baby." But of course, Fox News, Glenn Beck and Andrew Breitbart didn't report that, did they? No. They were too busy attacking Shirley Sherrod, Acorn and unemployed black farmers.

3) Cracker Whore B*tches (00:51): here King Samir uses this term NOT as a reference to prostitution or female dogs. You would know this if the racist who took this video actually showed the statement that immediately followed this, which was, "These are the words I would be using if I played into the stereotypes that the Bush Administration wants from black people. But much like Shirley Sherrod, I will not do that."

I am completely, utterly and totally disgusted by everything.

I have discovered the meaning of life

2010-07-09T11:10:00.010-04:00

I was standing in the grocery store the other day, trying to shop peacefully while getting in my daily 20-minutes of hatred for the ignorant, fat, meat eating monsters among us who only go shopping because it is still legal to do so, when I inadvertently stumbled upon the meaning of life.

Here's how it went down:
I was walking down the racistly named "ethnic foods" section of Giant, looking for some powdered onion tofu resin (which I sprinkle in warm water for a healthy lunch), when I noticed a Gaea-damned box of Twinkies purposely placed so as to cover my tofu resin. Now, before you call me a crazy person who thinks the world is out to get her, please hear me out. Because at first, even I was skeptical that this was on purpose.

After taking the Twinkies back to the white-male themed pastry aisle (why's the Pilsbury Dough Boy white, hello...), I noticed that in front of the stack of Twinkies there was a Gala apple. That's right, you're starting to see it now aren't you?

Grabbing the apple (viciously), I ran through the aisles at dangerous speeds, careening off of shopping carts full of my dead brother's and sisters (cows/chickens/pigs), past old womyn who are no longer much use but still linger on, stuff like that, and when I arrived breathless at the Gala apple stand to put the apple back I was horrifically confronted by a 6-pack of Coke resting exactly on the edge between the oranges and the apples.

"Aaaaeeaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!" I screamed (sorry for any mispellings). And hell yes, I startled a few white people who thought they'd gotten away from exhibitions of harsh reality by not shopping in the inner city for their so-called "food". What of it? Some people who were not white looked upon me with veiled approval because in their countries and/or hoods they had experienced far worse and were respectful of my near-incapacitating anguish.

Snatching up the 6-pack, cringing as my finger came into contact with its sea turtle-killing plastic wrap, I ran up to a little boy watching his mom's shopping cart and thundered, "Get out of the way oxygen thief!" and then pushed away, riding the back rail, kicking furiously to build up speed, howling all the way my indifference to their supposed "shopping rules". That's how angry I was. Anyway....when I got to the soda aisle...well...I won't tell you the number of misplaced health conscious food items I found there. There were even some non-health items sprinkled in, as if they think we're all too stupid to realize what's going on.

As soon as I was finished relocating the nutritious food I left (I didn't want to give the cops another racist Gates-like incident). But not before yelling loudly at the manager to "Do your job and keep the health food AWAY from the trash food, you Obama-hating capitalist Nazi!"
!
So anyway, whatever, I'll let you know the meaning of life later, after I calm down a little.

Collective Wishes has been targetted by outside forces for destruction....

2010-07-06T13:22:00.004-04:00

Do not be fooled by this supposed "blogpot-wide" problem, this isn't the first time my site has come under attack by Trilateral Forces (the Skullz, the Dragon Court, the Illuminati, etc.). Now, when people go to post comments here, the comments suddenly go "missing". I do not yet know if the commentators THEMSELVES have gone missing, but I digress. Do not be fooled into thinking that just because the problem is going on everywhere that it isn't directed at Collective Wishes - that's the point. Don't buy it - I'm not.

I may or may not be available for the rest of the day. If you do not hear from me in a few days, plant a tree for me.

My friend witnessed a miracle

2010-07-06T09:31:00.001-04:00

Enjoy the wonder....

Conservatives: is voting patriotic?

2010-06-29T16:44:00.008-04:00

As the September elections approach, and all you right wing republicans, truck drivers, and people named "Roy" start thinking they have a shot at taking over the government, I would like to ask you a very important question: is voting really patriotic?

I ask you this not to disuade you from voting because I, like all liberals who believe in abortion, think it is VERY patriotic. Like all liberals who think that white/rich/farmers should be taxed until they are driven onto welfare, I think voting is the right thing to do for all progressive-minded people. Why? Because for one day out of the year, it forces you to stop being an individual and to join the faceless masses of non-persons called "voters", so that you can give a person you don't even know complete power over everyone and every thing!

As I say, I do not ask "is voting patriotic?" because I want to make you question voting this September. Rather, I ask it because I know that so-called "conservatives" believe in individualism, and in not killing babies, and in letting everyone have guns. Did you know that you can't bring guns to voting booths? You can't....if that makes you question the patriotism of voting, then I am honor bound to tell you so that you can make your own decisions, INDIVIDUALLY.

May Jesus Christ go with you all, and guide you to the right solution for you all as individuals. May Mary and the blessed babe and He Who Shall Not Be Named help you to avoid any unnecessary driving required on election day if it is not completely necessary...

Good bye, and goodluck!

My favorite latino soap!

2010-06-23T16:05:00.004-04:00

Ok, I don't watch soap opera's - lets get real, ok? However, when I took Spanish at the community college, we learned that so-called "soap operas" are actually considered high art in Mexico, Columbia, Peru, the Sandinistas and El Nacho Libre. Without even realizing it, I got hooked on the one below (that's how they get you). Enjoy...but don't get hooked like me :(

BREAKING NEWS -- Senator McChrystal is trying to undermine the President!

2010-06-22T10:44:00.004-04:00

I just heard about this today over at the Democratic Underground and I'm hopping mad! Senator McChrystal needs to be fired, or whatever you do to public servants who go to Afghanistan to bad mouth the President. I don't know who this guy is, but he was put in charge of Afghanistan and now its a mess over there. This is why everyone in this country should be forced to vote Democrat. Barrack Obama is trying his best to fix the mess that the Bush so-called-administration started over in the middle east, but instead we have people like this guy who pal around with the Rolling Stones (notorious right-wing music group) shooting their mouth off.
How would McChrystal like it if the leader of the Taliban came over here and criticized the president of Afghanistan? He probably wouldn't find that funny, would he?

Republicans in North Carolina trying to destroy Al Green!

2010-06-17T10:04:00.006-04:00

So anyway, the word on The Street is that the republicans are YET AGAIN trying to destroy the culture of African Americans by messing with everyone's right to vote - this time in North Carolina. Apparently the Republicans from the Cato Institute have hatched a plot to stop Al Green from being elected to the United States Congress. I for one proudly admit that I love his music, but beyond that, I think he's done more for R&B music than anyone living or alive today.

AFter all, wikipedia (an online encyclopedia) says:

"In 2004, Green was inducted into the Gospel Music Association's Gospel Music Hall of Fame."

Despite the fact that gospel has been influenced by christianity in recent years, it originated from Soul Music, and Al Green's contribution to it back then got him that award. I don't have an award like that, and neither does Congressman Jim DeMint (who Al Green is running against, and father of the infamous Jedediah DeMint). There should honestly be a law that requires important awards to count in a candidate's favor when they tally the votes, because all too often these awards go unnoticed by the small people in this country. But I digress.

The point is, Al Green is great at what he does, and I think I'm going to get my mom
to send him money.

Exploitation in the Middle East needs to be outlawed!

2010-06-11T11:00:00.010-04:00

Isn't it bad enough that womyn over there have to voluntarily wear sheets over their whole body to keep from being kidnapped, tortured and oggled by Western tourists? No, apparently it WASN'T enough. Have these capitalist creeps no shame?!

Candle in Balston: my day on the killing streets

2010-06-10T14:20:00.025-04:00

Sometimes, they say, you need to go back to the streets to rediscover your roots.
Though I didn't technically grow up on the streets, I still have a lot of empathy for people who struggle every day against excessive carbon polution, limited access to shade-grown coffee, and deplorable pedestrian walkways, commuter bike paths and green spaces.

As I sat sipping my coffee in the early afternoon, outside my usual "crib" at Cosi in Balston, Arlington Virginia, my attention was drawn to a group of street kids sitting on a bench in the little nearby park. Making my way over, I couldn't help but notice that the lawn seemed to have gone a good two weeks without trimming, and that the flower beds looked like they needed a fresh layer of mulch. "What the hell is wrong with this city," I muttered loudly under my breath.

There were four kids in all. All...white males. There were no females in evidence...nor African Americans, Asian Americans, nor anyone of hispanic origin.

"What the hell is UP with this place!" I shouted skyward.

The boys just looked at me. Most likely they were worried that I was going to call the "pigs" because they should have been in school, rather than out there alone, cold and miserable and abandoned by a society that had chewed them up and spit them out. What they needed was a friendly sister to show that she gave a damn....

"Boys," I said to them, being careful not to look them in the eye until I'd gained their trust. "That is...Yo, playa's, I want you all to know that this stuff with the lawn and the mulch...listen ma' fa's...that's not me, ok? I've been fighting my whole life against this kind of racist crap and...dammit, I just want you to know that there are some of us out there who give a damn. I guess that's what I'm trying to say...wuddup sheet raight?"

Several seconds slipped by, and I knew that they were weighing the tonal modulation of my black-english vernacular carefully, looking for any flaws which they could exploit, any sign of condescention in my mannerisms, because, from the look of it, they'd been hurt before and now had trust issues.

"Uh...hi...what's up?" said one child - a blond haired kid with freckles holding what may or may not have been an Ipod.

Sensing progess, I dared to lift my gaze to his, and said, "Me? I'm suggery spice an playan' nice, ya dig? Bitch I know you ain't coppin', cuz I just cut a man for steppin' fo sho, raight?"

They just stared at me, which is a thing that street people do when they want to show you they respect you.

"We're not doing anything...just hanging out by ourselves, that's all," said another kid - a fat kid with braces. Clearly, his parents had been poisoning him with trans-fats and denying him sugar substitutes with his lattes for a very, very long time.

"I know kid, I know," I said, nodding wearily, as if I, too, were merely "hanging out".

"Kid," I continued, "I just want you to know that should you ever need me to be there to stare down a Yo and put a cap up IN that ma' fa', well, then I'm yo' wigga', capiche?" I then emphasized my point by pantomiming that I was suddenly about to punch him - a solidarity ritual I'd seen boys like this do before.

All of them pretended to flinch, then got up and hurried away - a rare show of respect, and one I intend to earn in the coming weeks and months ahead. I fully intend to reach these kids and show that, fashiggity, I gonna' keep this thang real and spill a 40 fo my dead hommies, raight...

After much agonizing, I must come clean about my relationship with Nikki Haley

2010-06-09T12:19:00.003-04:00

After days and weeks and months of introspective self-analysis, I have finally decided to come clean about a secret I have been hiding. Basically, I almost had an affair with Nikki Haley.

It started out so innocently. Some friends and I were protesting the anthropomorphizing of animals outside of a so-called "Build-a-Bear Workshop", and just across the street, Nikki was having coffee with some campaign workers outside a Starbucks - and our eyes met. From there...well...I'll let my words speak for themselves.

I cannot perfectly describe the wash of emotions that washed over me, leaving me unclean. I knew it was wrong to be so moved by those terrible and cold, reptilian eyes, which only wanted me for my body (and not my mind). But I didn't care. You have to understand: this was at a point in my life where I was risky and free and experimenting... I was barely an adult, fresh on the scene and easy pickings for an old cougar like Nikki. But, as you'll see below, I am fully responsible for my actions...

Hesitantly, almost like a rabbit who smelled what might be a carrot, or perhaps a piece of lettuce, I lumbered my fragile way across the street (hesitantly), dodging cars and trucks, armed only with my big doe eyes that only saw happiness and hope, and not the pain that could only come from two paths crossing in the wind (one republican, one a democrat).

At that point, fate itself stepped in and stopped both of us from making a terrible mistake: my cell phone rang. By the time I was done with my phone conversation, Nikki was nowhere to be found. Later, I learned that she felt rebuked by my so-called "insensitivity", and proceeded to secretly date a bunch of men (some of which you have heard of by now), all in an effort to hurt me for giving up "what might have been"...but alas, it has only hurt herself.

I feel so much better now - relieved, you might say. If this hurts her "campaign", please know that this was not my intention. Though I do not support Nikki's politics, I also would never use my personal life as a political tool.

Thank you for being there for me...

I remain,
Candle of CollectiveWishes

War declared on Collective Wishes by Iowntheworld.com commenters

2010-06-08T16:35:00.003-04:00

The so-called "people" at this horrible website have basically declared all-out war against myself and the readers of Collective Wishes. I do not know what I did to offend them, but as soon as I tried to help them find peace and understand the Ways of Understanding, they began ridiculing me and trying to force their white male hate on me, in an attempt to shut me down both emotionally and spiritually.

In the coming days and weeks I will be consulting with my sensitivity advisers so that I do not stoop to their level. I do not want my latent karmic energies to get unleashed in any destructive ways.

Thank you my friends, and remember, do not go to that website because...you may not like what you find.

Who caused the oil disaster? I'll give you one guesses...

2010-06-02T16:35:00.005-04:00

Unlike some people, I too have not forgotten the horrors of the Reagan Administration. There's a reason why the main character of the movie called "The Exorcist" was named Reagan, and it is this man right here. Basically, here's why it is Reagan's fault and not President Obama's fault:

1) in the beginning of The Exorcist, a white anglo-saxon European man is seen looking around.

2) While everyone is off watching the Exorcist in 1983, the real Reagan and G. Gordon Liddy are planting thermite bombs at the bottom of the so-called "Gulf" of Mexico.

3) These charges, placed everywhere in various places (giant clams, hollowed out brain coral, plastic-choked sea turtles, etc.), are then made water proof such that they can last many years without detection.

4) Many years later, right when the current President is just about ready to launch his green offensive against the defilers of the world, Nancy Reagan conveyed this information to Karl Rove.

5) Karl Rove and former so-called "president" George Bush are seen fishing somewhere in the vicinity of the thermite bombs.

6) Explosion....

7) Father Damian Karras gets possessed by the demon inside Reagan in the movie (symbolic).

8) Maurine Dowd and all the other LINO's (liberals in name only) turn against a good and graceful/historic/well-spoken person. Ironically, this is the one person who can stop the oil spill....but they won't let him.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

2010-05-24T16:07:00.007-04:00

Hello. If anyone has been wondering why I haven't posted in a few days then I have to wonder, are you human? I do not ask this to be insulting. I am being serious because on Saturday I actually DID post something: psychically. Aurora and I have been experimenting with psychic projection for a few months now, and it was only this last Saturday that I felt confident enough in my harmonic vibrations to actually give psychic blogging a try. So far, I've had hundreds of psychic comments, most of them supportive, though I had to ban one person for psychically spamming dumb viagra links.

Anyway, I am trying to keep my broadcasts limited to the human spectrum (you don't wanna go messing around here, trust me). In time, I hope to have gathered enough karmic muscle to help the Democrats win in September. However, the opposition is engaged in its own counter-psychic get-out-the-vote campaign, and they've got all that Republican money, so its not a sure thing.... I am hoping that I won't have to resort to my contingency plans (doomsday scenario) - I will let you know.

My Thoughts On the End of Oil Drilling by Aurora

2010-05-16T14:44:00.004-04:00

I am so glad that the Gulf oil disaster happened! I keep hoping that one of my roommates were involved, but they told me that they don't like to leave the apartment except to protest things and to show the capitalist pigs that they are evil by throwing bricks through the windows of businesses that look like someone rich might own them.

But this Gulf oil disaster is the best thing to ever happen to the wonderful, earth-loving eco movement. Think about it. Now that this has happened, we will never again allow any off-shore drilling for the demon oil!

Did we continue to build ocean liners after the Titanic sank? NO!

Did we continue to use airplanes as transportation after the 9/11 attacks? NO!

Did we continue building and making stuff in factories after we found out that people's thumbs were ending up in our sausages? NO!

Did we continue to have a New York stock exchange or Wall Street after the 1929 crash? NO!

The pattern is clear, isn't it? Once something disastrous happens, all we can do is stop doing whatever it is.

Breaking news: Arizona passed some racist law

2010-05-13T12:39:00.002-04:00

I just heard through some inside connections that the republicans in Arizona passed some racist law designed to stop socially balanced immigration! I think this is disgusting and needs to be stopped. Who are all these people and who do they think they are, trying to tell ME what to do? They need to keep their laws off of my future political allies! I am calling on all my readers to write the media and let them know about this so-called "illegal immigration" legislation so that people know about it and will work to destroy Arizona and the republicans who are trying to put up a wall around so-called America. I am at the end of my rope, I've had all I can stand, and if you're not part of the problem I demand you be part of the solution. Because nothing gained is nothing earned, and the best for the good outweighs the needs of the many.

Thank you

Aurora Never Profiles Because It's Unfair

2010-05-06T11:30:00.004-04:00

In my sorrow over Candle's absence, I somehow misplaced my copy of The Communist Manifesto. I was so deeply saddened by this, as it is the text that guides much of my life and existence. That and Mr. Al Gore's Inconvenient Truth.

Anyway, in keeping with my belief that we should never ever ever profile under any circumstances, I didn't like to look in the places that I thought my dear text would likely be. That would be wrong. So I looked in the refrigerator for my book, and then I looked in all of the light sockets. But not liking to limit my search to areas of "light," I decided that it would only be fair and good to look for my book in the basement, even though I never go down there and couldn't possibly have left it there. After all, if I am going to be fair and not prejudiced, I realized that I had to look in the most unlikely possible places. No matter how long it took or how much it cost me in keeping me from going to my job.

In keeping with this philosophy, I infiltrated a Tea Party looking for my lost Marx. I looked behind their evil signs and under their fascist flags, and I even accosted one racist and asked him if he had stolen the vaunted word of the great Marx to thwart the spread of peace, equality, and goodness. Can you believe that this lunatic right-wing fanatic just stared at me. Like I was from Mars or something. I can't believe how un-evolved these hate mongers are!

Anyway, after searching all of the places that it couldn't possibly be, I was very tired and had lost my job answering phones at Green PETA. I was surprised they were so intolerant of my obvious concern that I not slip into evil right wing profiling, which is obviously just a greedy capitalist pig plot to be racist and efficient. As if efficiency matters when it comes to being fair and just. Luckily, Green PETA understood and are letting me volunteer from now on, which is actually way better because I can collect unemployment again!

Will be away for a few days :(

2010-05-04T12:52:00.003-04:00

I have to fly west this time, in hunt of the Jonas Brothers, to disrupt any plans they are forming to intimidate ethnically diverse people of indeterminate sexuality and/or of non-Christian spirituality.

If you don't hear back from me I may have been caught, captured, or killed. Otherwise, I fly back on Sunday.

Jonas Brothers: message received....!

2010-05-03T20:37:00.012-04:00

I just want to say, on behalf of liberals and other smart and sensitive people everywhere: as far as the Jonas Brothers are concerned, we will be vigilant and ready to do whatever our President requires of us! Thank you President Obama for your subtle "joke" message, and I for one apologize for not recognizing this threat to society sooner...I was too focused on trying to stop racism and I missed this one :(

Though honestly, I don't see how I could have been so stupid. Some obvious signs that the Jonas Brothers were a threat:

1) They continuously define themselves as "brothers" rather than "friends" or "bandmates". This is a subtle insult to people of color, who often refer to each other as "brother" or maybe "sister" or sometimes " playa' ".

2) The first two letters of "Jonas" are "JO" which, spelled backwards, is "OJ". Then comes "N" for Nicole (whom OJ did NOT murder (totally framed)). The last two letters are "AS", which are actually the first initials of the REAL killers: Armand and Smitty. We need to arrest the so-called "Jonas Brothers" and find out where they are hiding these heartless killers!

3) They are against abortion, and want to condemn thousands of womyn everywhere to the discomfort of having a baby, stretch marks and lower back pain....these people are sick....

Update: explanation in order

2010-04-29T16:01:00.004-04:00

If people are wondering why I used "peaceful" in my last post, please understand that it was only for legal reasons (pertaining to habeas corpus/summa cum laude, and in no way reflects the views of Collective Wishes, its members or its sponsors. We reserve the right to presume or decline all non-compliant and/or derivative claims, ipso facto, as pertaining to the schedule D of 1812).

We are peacefully united against the Tea Bag People!!!

2010-04-29T15:07:00.006-04:00

One of my super-secret operatives from deep inside the Tea Bagger Central Command structure was able to smuggle out the following video and audio about emails and phone messages that our side has been leaving with them. This is proof that our side is winning the war against all these racist hate monger tyrannical violent right wing hate-speech fascist terrible homophobic capitalist people!!!

THIS is the video they DON'T want you to see!!! (note, not safe at work - our people are FIRED UP because these people need to be peacefully destroyed!!!)

Actually, on second thought, maybe the Constitution isn't so bad....

2010-04-28T13:49:00.015-04:00

A wise friend of mine who lives in Syria told me today that my belief that the Constitution is "terrible" is completely misguided, and I'm now convinced Mohamed's right:

"Candle, you and your infidel sisters and brothers do not know anything and will fail miserably in your efforts to destroy the true children of the Prophet, and your foolishness will lead to your certain destruction". [This is how he always says hello; its very culturally significant, trust me!]

"Anyway, I read your pathetic words on the Constitution, about slavery and all that, and it is obvious that, because you are a woman and are barely human, I must guide you here to keep you from embarrassing yourself and looking more foolish." [Ok, theoretically harsh sounding, but only if you don't see all this in light of Mohamed's seriously complex and nuanced culturalness. What he's really trying to say is, "Candle, you're awesome, let me help you out." But if he said it that way then he'd be spitting in the face of his customs and traditions, which is bad]

"Here is what you need to know: if you want to destroy your hated country for us, you must learn to use its laws and institutions against it. So, do not moan about the Constitution, you need to take the Constitution and warp it and change it so that it will pit brother against brother, so that you are weak and ripe for eradication in holy fire." [This part was extremely cultural, but what he's basically saying is that we need to consider the so-called Constitution to be a living, breathing, biological entity, capable of morphing and flexing and bending and turning and twisting to the times, the moods, the feelings and quirky notions of all who encounter it. If something doesn't seem to say what you want in the constitution, our judges should basically take all the letters in a given section and then rearrange them to read whatever is needed at the time. This, according to Mohamed, would "ensure the demise of the Great Satan, God willing..."]

My Thoughts On Tolerance (by Aurora)

2010-04-24T00:45:00.002-04:00

I was looking through Candle's Enemies List, and I just have to say that she could not have found a more hate-mongering, racist, intolerant group if she searched all day through conservative sites (I suspect them all of colluding with Bushie in declaring an illegal war for oil). Because the root of their obvious hate and racism and war-mongering for oil is in their intolerance, I wanted to speak out in favor of tolerance and explain what it means to me.

One of the main things to remember about tolerance is being tolerant of those who differ from you (so long as they aren't too different, as in racist and hate-mongering God-lovers). For example, I am a vegan. I don't eat anything except nuts and berries. And sometimes tofu or maybe bean sprouts. But I am very tolerant. As a person, I realize that not everyone is as advanced as I, so when I see my roommate eating (*shudder*) eggs or farm-raised chickens, I am serene and I do not snatch the offensive items off her plate. I used to do that, but I have grown into very tolerant personhood.

Another area of my advanced views of tolerance is regarding religion. Of course the only true religion is Gaia-based, but I have an atheist roommate and an agnostic roommate, too. Imagine! But I am tolerant of these views because I am relieved that at least they do not worship something silly like some omnipotent God who is not even a Goddess! I am also tolerant of our Muslim brothers and sisters. They are downtrodden and their views are very important. I read that somewhere or maybe heard it, but anyway, I know it's true. So when I see enemies talking about how peaceful and loving Islamic people kill others, I laugh a tinkling, musical laugh at their ignorance.

See what this enemy wrote mocking the totally acceptable view that Islam should be the only religion in the world (well, you know, they don't mean me):

That’s not surprising in light of a statement by CAIR’s co-founder, Omar Ahmad:

Islam isn’t in America to be equal to any other faith, but to become dominant. The Koran should be the highest authority in America, and Islam the only accepted religion on Earth.

The enemies of peace and of Islam and Gaia would have use believe that it is intolerant to kill someone who does not believe as you do or to kill them for being different. That's just backwards, isn't it? I mean if someone kills someone for thinking the wrong way, well, that's just their own religion, right? They are free to do that. So therefore, it's obviously intolerant not to let people kill other people because they are not the same religion or race or just because they think they should because of their religion. How is it intolerant to kill someone because they are different? Ha! Bet those enemies can't answer that!

So as you can see, being tolerant involves embracing people who, like our Muslim brothers and sisters, hate and want to kill people for being Christian or Jewish or even other Muslims who do not believe in Islam exactly as they do. Because of our big hearts and kind benevolence, they will never seek to change me as the enemies say that they will. When Islam is the dominant religion and America has finally opened its mind and heart to them, they will appreciate that I like to walk moonclad in the evenings (as long as it's not raining or too hot or too cold), and they will see me dance to the Goddess and be pleased. So when the enemies tell you that we should not tolerate the so-called "radical" Muslims, you must laugh and tell them that it is only other people who are to be killed and repressed and oppressed . . . it won't be us.

My friend's contribution to Earth Day!

2010-04-23T07:57:00.003-04:00

One of our wise and wonderful commentators had this to write about yesterday's Earth Day post:
Gaia loves you, Candelabra, no doubt about that. I did my part, too, of course. I thought I should shatter the windows on SUVs and other gas guzzling, earth killing vehicles, but I didn't have anything that was suitable for doing this because my roommates were using all of our bricks in their Earth Day celebrations.

So instead, I donned my hemp dress and hemp flip flops and hemp hat and glided gracefully down to the evil, greedy Financial District and explained to the bankers and everyone there that they are greedy greedy greedy and that it's their fault that we have poverty, hunger, and disease. And earthquakes. I used my bullhorn, of course, but it was hard because I had handcuffed myself to an ATM machine so that I could represent the way that capitalist pigs are chained to their greed and also as a subtext that I thought up while I was there to show how we are slaves to evil greedy capitalism and bound by chains to it, but anyway, my free hand got all tired. I gladly make these sacrifices for Gaia.

My Earth Day Struggle

2010-04-22T15:26:00.010-04:00

- Went door to door in my neighborhood, trying to convince old people to try casket-free burial, so that when they die their nutrients can nourish the living world around them. Otherwise, their death will have meant nothing.

- While going door to door, carried a bucket of home made bio-fertilizer, doling out one scoop per house. Usually I put it in their garden, but if they didn't have one I just dumped it on their front step (gentle reminder).

- performed an interpretive rain dance, where I summoned the spirit of Pocahontas (pre-Adam Smith marriage, before she was spiritually destroyed forever...).

- Burned a small effigy of George W. Bush outside of a corporation, then ran off.

- Yelled at patrons sitting outside eating at a deli for murdering the daughters of Gaea, then ran off.

- Picked some flowers outside of a corporation, from the roots of course, (for transplanting back in the wild), then ran off.

- Pretended to have a heart attack inside the Balston Mall, then, when the crowd was really big, got up and told them "this same scene will happen to you one day if you insist on eating animals and wasting energy!"

Constitution Shmonstitution!!!

2010-04-20T20:31:00.005-04:00

That's right - I said shmonstitution! That's how we on the left feel about the so-called "Constitution", because we just found out today that there's stuff in it about slavery! Apparently, the 13th paragraph to the Constitution goes into specifics about slavery, so clearly this isn't a very good thing for our country. THIS IS WHY REPUBLICANS ARE TRYING TO MAKE THE COUNTRY GO BACK TO THE CONSTITUTION!!! Clearly they all want slavery back, and based on some of the stuff I've been hearing, this time, if they get power, they won't be limiting it to black people. Also included: "Asian Indian," "Chinese," "Filipino," "Korean," "Japanese," "Vietnamese," and "Other Asian." - you name it, they'll be picking cotton faster than you can say "Sweet Sassy Molassy"! I suggest everyone write their congresswomyn or non-female congress-person... This is why Malcolm X gave us the right to speak, and why Geronimo made his last stand!! We will never give up!! We will never surrender! If we do surrender, it will be on OUR TERMS!!!!

I infiltrated the so-called "Tea Party!"

2010-04-16T17:58:00.006-04:00

First of all, I just want to address some unfair criticism about my site that all I do is use exclamation points. People are saying that I am missing a period. I am not missing a period, I just am very emotional and I use the ! key a lot, ok?! If I were missing my period, I would probably use more colons, not more exclamations!!! In truth though, I think one should use their colon appropriately and not go using it for things Gaea never intended. If you seem to be having a problem with your period, just get a new keyboard, don't go misusing your colon because eventually it, too, will get worn out.

Anyway....whatever, I infiltrated the so-called "Tea Party" yesterday - whatever! What a bunch dummies! I wrote my sign using all kinds of spiritual symbols (you know, like on the Coexist bumper sticker), and the rednecks never even knew what hit them!! Of course, my sign read, "This sign is racist because I, like these other racists, hate Barrack Obama because he is black!". (Took me a while to get all those symbols....had to raid a Chinese dictionary for one or two words...) Everyone there was so dumb - they kept looking at my sign, which I painted/drew myself, and were all like "wow, that's very interesting!" or "I like the color choices in your picture!" - they DIDN'T EVEN KNOW I WAS DESTROYING THEIR REPUTATION!!!! The news media were all over the place - covertly, out of uniform, so as not to be attacked. I kept seeing them taking pictures of me and my sign with their phone-cameras for use in their articles. People who read the news understand spiritual symbols and codes and stuff and will realize what I really meant. They'll realize that I was a member of the so-called Tea Party and that I, in my secret role as infiltrator, was a racist (but I'm not really!), and that everyone there agreed with me. I cannot contain my joy!!!! Stupid Nazi corporate shills for the insurance companies....I can't wait to see what their reaction will be once they figure it all out!

A Parable of possibility...

2010-04-14T19:53:00.007-04:00

A Parable of possibility...

Once there was a child who grew into a man...
And the man grew up to become a Republican...
Then one day, the man found another child who had not yet grown up, and who was a liberal...
And the man said to the child, "Son....why don't you hate people of color, as do I?"...
And the child said unto the man, "Sir...I do not see the world the way you do...."
"I see the world in colors and light...and I see smiling people and shiny objects and magical musical moments of joy and peace and prosperity for the masses..."
"And above all sir, I see inside of you a special person, just like me....and that person can come alive again one day, if you let it...I mean him..."

The man was struck dumb! Here was a child, a small, tiny boy child from the inner city...
And the child was firm in his convictions, and was well spoken too!....
Said the man... "Son, you are very bold! Would that my own son had been so bold, before he died in the Iraq war...."
And the child was sad...for he knew the horrors of war...

In time...the child noticed that the hour of brunch was upon them, and stood to leave for the comfort of his home...
But...in parting, he toldeth the man a wisdom that he had reflected upon, while sitting around...
"Sir...if your child had been aborted in the womb, then the sadness of many deaths..."
"And the missing love and hope inside your now shriveled and racist heart, which died during Bush's racist war...well...that anger and bitterness you feel would not be happening now..."

And the man did wonder anew at this bold child of light and hope, and only then did he see the error of his ways...
"Boy child!" intoned the man resolutely, with a sparkly gleem in his eye...
"Boy child I say! I will change my ways now and not be among the churlish masses of misers and misanthropes of Wall Street..."
"Instead I shall carry your delightful words unto others and stoke the flames of Social Revolution, so that no child will be born only to die for Halliburton..."

The child only smiled, knowingly, for he had seen such transformations before....
He was done talking and had to go home, to be among his friends and family...
The man just stood there a moment, thinking, as if making a decision...and then he also turned to leave...
He did not continue on his way to the Tea Party that he was originally on his way to, to contribute to the subjugation of minorities and the poor...
No, he returned home to sit and contemplate on the revolution of Hope and Change to come...
The child and the man, though they met only once, never saw each other...again.

I saw a racist today!

2010-04-13T19:10:00.008-04:00

I was coming out of Cosi, latte in my right hand, "Destroy the Tea Party" leaflets in the other, and I saw this person walking with a briefcase. Clearly a corporate person, and therefore most likely a Republican, etc. etc. Well anyway I went up to him and tried to convert him away from the thrall of his racist prejudices and he said, "No thank you." Just like that. "No thank you." He may have just as well said "I hate you because, based on your tie-dye shirt and Obama button, you must clearly tolerate people of other races and think they deserve equality."

Let me tell you, I was incensed. So like anyone driven to the point of not caring anymore (due to the intollerence of others), I began threatening to throw my latte on him. He didn't like that one bit. He kept yelling, "Listen, I'm sorry, I'll take a leaflet just please leave me alone ok?" He may have just as well been saying, "Oh, just give me a leaflet so that I can crumple it up in your face, you ethnic-loving white traitor of our proud race!!!"

I wasn't going to put up with that - not me. I started shouting at him, "I will DESTROY YOUR WORLD, RACIST PIG! RACIST PIG! RACIST PIG!" So then he's all like, "I'm not a racist - leave me alone or I'll call the cops!" He may have just as well said, "I will use my taxpayer status to sic the police on you so they can beat you like that black person Rodney King! Then you will learn that we live in a white male dominated world, and that is why you are now targeted for death!!!"

Words cannot express how much I hate racism. It must be stopped - VOTE DEMOCRAT!!!!

We must infiltrate the so-called "Tea Parties"!

2010-04-12T20:42:00.003-04:00

Everyone who agrees with me should immediately go to this website and help them destroy the so-called "Tea Parties"! Please only go there and help them if you are a LEGITIMATE liberal person. Do not go there if you are a right wing jerk who only wants to infiltrate these benevolent people. If you do that, your pathetic ploy will easily be detected, and you will fail.

I came up with some things we can yell when we sneak into the so-called "Tea Parties":
1) Obama eats dirty jew babies because he's black!
2) Obama's black and needs to go back to the plantation because he's black!
3) If you shake Obama's hand, make sure you wash it because he's black!
4) If someone commited crime against you in your community, it may have been Obama because he's black!

Signs that you can make to help make the so-called "Tea Party" people look unhinged:
1) If you can read this sign you are not Obama, because he is illiterate, because he's Black!
2) The swastika on this sign is painted black to symbolize my hatred of the very black Obama!
3) I hate black people!

Please cut and paste this into an email and send it out to all your liberal friends so that we can finally put an end to this failed attempt to ruin Barrack Obama's presidency! Nobody pays any attention to all these so-called "Tea Partiers", and that's why we need to stop them NOW. Why? Because Barrack Obama is the first black president!

A new menace has reared its head - I must fly east...

2010-03-27T08:32:00.003-04:00

I suppose in theory I could fly west (as that genocidal maniac Robinson Caruso discovered in 1492), but basically I'm off to Nepal to fight the capitalist Sherpas with my gentle Chinese brothers and sisters. This is because an evil billionaire, once thought to be lost somewhere in the South Pacific, has reemerged as the Sherpas' financial backer in their anti-karmic capitalist ambitions in the region... Hat tip to my conservative brother James for his moment of sanity in helping me uncover this.

I will be gone for about 4 days!

The future of sewage: the blue miracle

2010-03-26T16:43:00.008-04:00

This is an actual picture of a living, 123 year old Hindu Brahman's feces. It was discovered quite by accident when, apparently, he arrived in the village of Remunda on a bicycle singing about "the blue miracle". The entire village turned out to follow him to his cave in the mountains, where he goes to meditate and think about healthy living, and what they found staggered them: glowing blue feces. We in the Western world haven't heard much about it because for a long time now we've basically given up on the idea of phosphorescent feces (its technical). But when the news broke, researches for the FDA immediately seized upon the possibilities. With a little tweaking, it "may be possible to associate differently glowing colors with unique individuals". This would allow the scientists to track all kinds of important things and respond appropriately when people eat too much, straining the infrastructure. But there's just one problem: the old mystic isn't talking. "I just want to enjoy the attention for a little while, then I will tell you", he said to a throng of disappointed reporters from New Dehli. So, I guess we'll all just have to wait.

Other things I'm calilng for

2010-03-25T18:14:00.004-04:00

In addition to the eating off plates theory, I also think that:

1) in honor of the more liberal shift President Obama is taking the time to do for our country, I propose that we begin teaching our nation's children to read from right to left. This will psychologically open up their minds to be more progressive (and therefore, less racist).

2) all Republican politicians not be allowed to have bodyguards. The presence of bodyguards around all these white racist jerks intimidates the gentle natives of our once healthy land, and sends out shockwaves of uncertainty to one and all.

3) lesbians be renamed "morebians", because we want more lesbians, and also because the 'L' is hard to pronounce by our asian sisters, who unfortunately pronounce it "resbians", causing less tolerant people to laugh (resulting in psychic pain)

4) spelling of "penmanship" be changed to "penmynship".

5) nerf footballs should have warning labels on them that warn parents that their children will grow up to be abusers if they keep playing this caveman game of death.

Thanks

Please stop calling healthcare "Obamacare"

2010-03-24T17:12:00.002-04:00

I hereby demand that everyone stop calling the most important healthcare legislation in the world "Obamacare". If you meant it to be nice then fine, however, it is not nice. Everyone who says this is obviously a republican rightwing insurance company schill who is trying to ruin his presidency, and I see right through you. "Obama" does "care", sure, but its called "Healthcare" so whatever.

Sometimes I think it should be illegal to eat off of dishes. It seems to sort of say to Mother Nature, "Hey, we're better than you, we're not a part of the animal kingdom", and I think that's kind of stupid because we are all interconnected. This was sort of a thing I was thinking today, not really a part of the Obamacare message but I didn't want to waste precious natural resources writing another post - I'm doing MY part...now do yours.

Healthcare for all And none too soon...

2010-03-22T06:15:00.006-04:00

Healthcare is now available to anyone who wants it! Finally! No longer will sick people be forced to simply take vitamins and hope they reverse their premature balding or sagging skin... These and other plagues are now relegated to the nightmare past of long, long ago, when student loans and California water rights were artificially separated from non-hodgkins lymphoma or diabetes.

Today, massage therapy...tomorrow, the world.

Bush/Cheney CIA human rights violation video revealed

2010-03-14T04:11:00.004-04:00

This footage was smuggled out of either India or Iran two years ago and kept safe by some people I know. These people are now missing. Three days ago I received the footage from an anonymous source identifying themselves as a mutual friend of my missing friends. What you see here is what they call a "water hallucinogenic bio-contagion". The CIA tested a microbe which, once it gets into the body, turns your sweat blue. It looks purple in the video because the people of Iran (or India) have reddish color skin, and when you mix red and blue you get purple. Once infected you lose your mind - for good. The ultimate plans of the CIA were to use this contagion against the free people of California, but it was interrupted by a certain timely election in November, 2008. Anyway, please spread the word...

We must protect SENATOR Barbara Boxer from lies!

2010-02-02T20:25:00.002-05:00

I HEREBY URGE ALL INTELIGENT HOMO SAPIENS TO STOP CHUCK DEVORE'S ATTEMPT TO TAKE SENATOR BARBARA BOXER'S TITLE. DO NOT GO TO THIS WEBSITE TO SEE INFORMATION ABOUT THIS SO-CALLED 'SENATOR WANNA-BE'. THANK YOU.

My niece's friend practicing for the school talent show

2010-02-02T18:16:00.003-05:00

Hi everyone, it has been a while since I posted any videos, I know, but here's a couple of my nieces friends practicing a dance act for their school talent show. The theme for this year's talent show is "diversity". These kids are so talented, I'm pretty positive they will win (unless the judges are racists, which is very possible).

1/12: the truth is out there

2010-01-21T00:59:00.001-05:00

First they told us that 9/11 was orchestrated by Islamic Terrorists who wanted to destroy our country because they, quote, “Don’t like us.” Then they tried to tell us that thousands of gallons of burning jet fuel could melt through steel – a metal which, as everyone knows, will melt at 1300 degrees. Wake up people, that’s a little over twice the maximum heat of a kitchen oven!

And now, years later, when all the culprits are “supposedly”out of power, along comes this handy little “earthquake”…right before the Massachusetts election. Lets just have a look at the timeline:

Jan 12, 2010:
1000 am – High concentrations of highly explosive thermite are reportedly seen by fishermen two miles off of Haiti in international waters.

1300 pm – Fishermen mysteriously go missing. Press is completely silent on this.

1630 pm – Other fishermen see a mysterious “explosion-like thing” somewhere in the vicinity of the missing fishermen. One of them claimed that it may have been either a “nuke” or a “thermite bomb”.

1640 pm – A massive earthquake-like effect demolishes the capital of Haiti (referred to in the news as “Port-au-Prince”).

1700 pm – Scott Brown is quietly funneled his first in a series of millions and millions and millions of dollars in campaign finance money securities, which at least one commentator has called, “The worst calamity I have seen in a very long time.” But nobody says a word….out of respect for Haiti.

Jan 13, 2010:

1000 am - Relief efforts are immediately sprung into motion by President Barrack Obama, to help ease the suffering and pain of the Haitian people, all while hunting secretly for whoever planted the explosive devices 2 miles out.

1100 am – Navy Seals discover several bags of Lipton’s tea, floating mysteriously about 2 miles out, somewhere in the vicinity of where the original fishermen spotted the thermite, as well as the “explosion-like thing” spotted by the second group of fishermen (now missing as well).

1130 am – News media still silent.

1200 pm – President Obama, reminiscent of Truman crossing the Continental Divide in 1904, sends 200 metric tons of fish from the Atlantic Fleet to Haitii, and requests that the U.N. suspend any and all “fishing education and/or instruction” activities until the crisis is resolved. “Let me be clear,” he added, “Teaching people to fish [at a time like this] is dangerous.”

Jan 14 – present, 2010
After raising millions of dollars completely under the radar, Scott Brown is suddenly the big story in Massachusetts, after having paid off hundreds of thousands of white people all over that once great state. White people who, it turns out in post-election analysis, voted exclusively for Brown.

Ancient Literature: new things have come to light

2010-01-08T18:16:00.007-05:00

It turns out that my hero, Robert Frost, was actually one of the original global warming visionaries of the 1800s. Until very recently, everyone thought Robert Frost was very much on the fence about the climactic threat our besieged world faced even way back then. That is, until now.

Recent breakthroughs in Latin paleo-literary-archeology have revealed a startling discovery that amazed pretty much everyone in Spain: Robert Frost was censored! He was censored by the Halliburten-Spinkelmeyer Corporation (which split their partnership after Spinkelmeyer objected to Halliburten's use of carbon-based lantern oil, and Thurston Halliburton the III had Barney Spinkelmeyer murdered (then lied about it(for years))).

And now, after all this time, I present to you...the REAL masterpiece by Robert Frost:

-Fire, not Ice-

Some say the world will end in fire,
Total jerks say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire,
Let me be clear: its obviously fire!
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know that ice is peddled,
By those who favor avarice,
Not science, long settled,
Which should suffice!!! (unless you are dumb!)

Please help spread the word to write this ancient wrong
from long ago...!

Cut me once, and I bleed for millions....

2010-01-07T18:52:00.003-05:00

The video you are about to see is absolutely true: the murder of untold millions. I cannot stress enough just how upset I am, but I will try.... I AM VERY, VERY, VERY UPSET.

My mom's a deuche: my stupid brother James is now blogging :(

2009-12-31T20:46:00.004-05:00

Ok, whatever, my mom's a deuche. My stupid conservative brother, who still goes by his slave name "James", is now posting over at Feedyouradhd.com. Snarky Bastard decided to give him a job there licking his boots or something, and now my mom is forcing me to help advertise it. She said if I didn't then she'd take away my trust fund - as if... Anyway, he's a racist probably and he's white to boot so expect nothing but hateful drivel from him. He goes by the name "Ex-Parrot" - he hates parrots, not sure why he'd wanna post as a parrot but whatever, he's dumb.

I think he's going to have a post up tomorrow - I won't be reading it. I'll be nursing my resentment.

Cheers all - I'm still fighting evil, which is why I post less, and when I do its going to be over at Snarky Bastard's site, as I attempt to use his fake need to show balance on his site against him...

James is a deuche too...

My words are like birds...my songs erase wrongs...another post at that evil person's site.....ellipses...

2009-12-15T11:50:00.003-05:00

Please check out my latest non-partisan attack against the entire Republican Party and the G.O.P.

I have posted something from deep within enemy territory...

2009-12-07T09:18:00.001-05:00

Hi all, it has been a while. Here is something I've posted from deep within enemy territory, over on Snarky Bastard's new site:

Peace...

I am a candle in the Heart of Darkness...

2009-11-23T13:05:00.003-05:00

I hear drums...
...the hillbilly natives here are reflections of my soul turned inside out.... faces and shadows commingling right and wrong into a potato-based soup of infinite despair... what is meaning... who guards the voices.... who is weeping tears of fire which hiss into the ocean of bigotry.... is racism a form of tolerance... these are the questions which swarm around me as I huddle in the heart of darkness, trying to endure the cesspool of human delights and savagery that encapsulate me. I am in the boondocks of a land called "Tennessee", trying to hold onto my identity as I, the hunter, have become the hunted.... how could I have been so foolish.... to think that I could come to the territory of "the enemy", only to find that the enemy was inside me all along... or so they will have me think. I am wearing a trucker's cap which reads, "I love drunk women".....not even spelled "womyn".... and yet I am ok with this somehow.... I'm falling apart.... I both loathe and love the sky, the earth, the waters.....around me are shadows, laughing, jeering, tearing at me, screaming for tax cuts and gun rights and border control... but I cannot address them or I will be forever lost...
I hear the drums...they are coming.

On an extended leave of absinthe...

2009-11-16T13:04:00.002-05:00

Liberal followers and conservative playa' haters. I am on an extended leave of absence as I go from place to place fighting republicans and getting in adventures. I may post from time to time, I do not know, we'll see, but I certainly won't be posting with the same regularity as before. Please check back week to week. If you don't hear from me in a month or so...I may have been caught, captured, tortured, and quietly disposed of :(

Cheerio

Inside scoop: a peek at Levi Johnston's 2010 calendar

2009-11-12T13:47:00.010-05:00

We need to do everything we can to support Levi Johnston in his fight against Sarah Palin. If you do not already know, Sarah Palin is a freak-tard wacked out know-nothing nutjob from way the hell over in Alaska (which we should give back to the Russians if you ask me , since we stole it in the 1700s). But I digress…. Sarah Palin is actually ugly and she needs to wear a chastity belt to keep everyone safe from her over-active genitalia and her incipit beauty-queen fake looks, because she’s done NOTHING to help womyn in this country to stop sexism or help elevate womyn beyond mere sex objects.
Levi Johnston though, is trying to help us, and as I said, we need to support him in his heroic assault on the Palins and their multitudes of children. I know Levi’s sort of…well….ok he’s kind of a country bumkin, but he doesn’t realize yet that…well anyway lets just say that we really need to support him right NOW and leave it at that. Here’s the thing: a close friend of mine has been, shall we say, “hanging around” Levi these last several months in order to find out what she can in order to embarrass Sarah Palin, her sexist husband and Trig. She just sent me the following rough itinerary for 2010 for Levi Johnston that she got off his computer (which he can barely turn on – Hah!). She told him that making an all out effort will help him sell the children’s book he’s working on:

1) January 5th: Celebrity Cage Fighting, where he’ll face Gary “The Executioner” Coleman in a 3 round charity bout that’s sure to get a lot of media attention.
2) February 31st: Will encase himself in 5 layers of ice for 4 days, to prove that he has “what it takes to be my baby’s daddy”.
3) March 15th: Again, he will encase himself in 5 layers of ice for 4 days, but this time…suspended over a pool of live hammerhead sharks, to prove he has “what it takes to be YOUR baby’s daddy”.
4) April 1: Will sing “Never Gonna Give You Up” live to a packed stadium – in the nude.
5) May 5th: Hunger strike for world peace (also in the nude).
6) June 8th: Levi will plan for the release of a sex tape of him and some skank he’ll hook up with during the hunger strike.
7) July 7: On this day, Levi Johnston shall rest….
8) August (no specific day): will interrupt a public appearance or live event by Taylor Swift, grab the mic and give a shout out to Kanye West and all his Native American brotha’s and sista’s.
9) September 10: the target date for his children’s book. Working title: “How to be a good dad if you ever have a baby with a skank”. Other possible working titles: “If you’re gay, you CAN get over it” and “Values, friends and fond memories”.
10) October 31: will appear on a special Live episode of Ghost Hunters with the guys from TAPS, as they investigate the Brentwood condo where Nichole Brown Simpson was killed, with the hope of finding out the identities of the real killers.
11) November 25: To commemorate Thanksgiving 2010, will star in a special pay-per view event where he makes love to a turkey carcass, to prove to the entire world that, despite what Sarah Palin thinks, “Meat is definitely murder”.
12) By December, he hopes that his joint-custody paperwork will finally be all done with. He will then encase Tripp, his son, in 10 layers of ice for 8 days, while suspended over twice as many sharks as in March, to prove that even Trip “has what it takes to be your baby’s daddy…”

Science: climate change affecting way more than previously thought

2009-11-11T13:43:00.004-05:00

This week, spokespeople for the Indian science journal Jonwar Chodu announced that climate change is causing problems in more ways than anyone imagines. An assortment of 200 Indian climatologists, geologists, psychologists and spiritual leaders met secretly in Patpong, Thailand, to pool all their knowledge of global warming so that they could come to grips with just what is being done to the world. The secrecy resulted from the fact that, quote, "We didn't want Republicans to come and ruin things." Reporters for the non-partisan news organization "Stop Global Warming Or Else!" learned of the event through sources and descended on the group while they were on a tourist outing. The scientists, in the goodness of their hearts, decided that that was the best time to tell the world that, in fact, climate change is worse than ever imagined, and affects more things than previously thought possible:

1) prostitutes, who don't like sweaty men, have been asking more and more of their clients to take showers before concluding their transactions, and this puts a strain on 3rd world infrastructures.

2) Because of escessively dry air, the land surrounding volcanoes is actually lighter, which is causing the incidence of volcanoes going off suddenly to be much higher than previously known (or envisioned).

3) People who own greenhouses (where food is grown) are not aware that the earth is warm (or they don't believe it), and this causes them not to regulate the temperatures inside as well, and they get surprised because all the food (which could feed millions) wilts and dies.

4) Sound, which travels faster in warm air than in cooler air, is causing people with unusually high voices to squeek suddenly into the upper registers when they jump into pools to cool off. These upper registers, once subjected to the unusually warm air, cause their voices to reach that point where only dogs can hear them, which causes dogs to all come running from everywhere (like you see in the movies), and this has already resulted in a number of unfortunate deaths. Some of these dogs have also drowned when leaping onto the victims...

5) Surfers around the world are extending the season longer and longer, causing more and more shark attacks to happen anually, causing sharks to gain more weight, displacing greater amounts of water than normally expected....add that to the melting ice caps and you have a real problem.

My first no politics post!

2009-11-10T13:45:00.003-05:00

Aurora was telling me that I'm beginning to bore everyone because all I talk about is politics. I explained to her that I am not really interested in politics per se (which is french), but that actually I'm more concerned with how Republicans are pretty much intent upon the destruction of every living thing on the Earth through their need to burn oil/coal/minorities. But I've decided to take Aurora's challenge up and post my first ever post that isn't about politics. This post is about the UNDEAD!!!! The film footage below is from someone who may or may not be an actual vampire, depending on if you believe in vampires of course. Personally, I do not believe in them per se.... But they could be real, who knows? Modern science is still learning important stuff all the time. Which gets me to my main point: if the undead exist, they do not decay. So that means no carbon footprint! Also, they do not require healthcare. However...they should still have to pay taxes because they feed off the living, and the living DO have a carbon footprint, and the living DO have to eat food, and vampires DO wear clothes (except in bat form) and thus have to wash them, which puts soap in our rivers and streams and lakes and wetlands. If I were a vampire, I'd probably feed off of Republicans. After all, Republicans pretty much feed off of our labor and our everlasting patience.... I think this vampire lady (if she is a real vampire, still don't know) is pretty cool...

Exclusive uncovered stuff: proof that "hillbillies" are, in fact, behind the destruction of hip-hop culture (so they can steal it!)

2009-11-06T14:24:00.015-05:00

As mentioned in my hip-hop post from yesterday, hillbillies originally were responsible for destroying the extremely complex/delicate/awe-inspiring culturally distinctive/fascinating/powerful cultures of Africa.... But it always begged the question, "Why?!" The obvious answer: they are white. The less obvious answer: they wanted to STEAL their culture to make money! Hillbillies think that THEY deserve the Nike endorsements, the hot white womyn, the Pepsi commercials, the bling, the spinning rims on their low-riders. They feel that the entire hip-hop culture is out to get them.....and after the unbelievable travesty that you are about to see....they are RIGHT!

Proof that Hillbillies are trying to steal hip-hop (thanks YM):

This is disgusting...he even stole the CRIP COLORS....someone's gonna roll up in his crib and "represent" if he isn't careful....

Hip Hop Update - working on my "Crip Walk"

2009-11-06T12:15:00.005-05:00

Okonkwo and I have been working on my crip walk. I'm showing "solidarity" with my "peeps" over in the "hood". Its actually kinda hard to do (not showing solidarity, that's easy, I'm talking about the moves in this video). If you learn how to do a good "crip walk" then you will be "fly". Peace...

Something I forgot to post yesterday

2009-11-06T10:23:00.006-05:00

Yesterday was kinda crazy for me so I forgot to report that Barrack Obama popped in to the Tribal Nations Conference to show his support for Native Americans and say a few kind words to them for all they've done. I wish I could have made it there, but it's too far. We don't do enough for Native Americans in this country so its good that he was there.

I will try to post some other things later today...busy day today too.

Lessons in Tolerance - understanding "hip hop"

2009-11-05T15:22:00.013-05:00

So many of us become upset at even the slightest hint of "sexism" or violence by white male republican chauvinist brownshirts, and rightly so. But I was speaking to Okonkwo today (my cultural sensitivity councilor), and he told me that this understandable sensitivity to white male penis-wielders, however sensible, should not apply to "hip hop". This is because hip hop is derived from a collection and diffusion of African tribal music dating back hundreds, perhaps thousands of years, and is itself an archaeological remnant of a scattered tribe...scattered and destroyed by hillbillies (his word, not mine, but I still agree). Anyway, the point is....if you are sitting down and you are about to watch some Mozart on TV, or listen to Earl Scruggs or Elvis, consider listening to the song below instead. Try to UNDERSTAND the graphic sexual content in light of the struggle of today's youth, or the injustices committed against African Americans, Chicanos or Structural Feminists in this country for hundres and hundreds and hundreds of years. Then take a good long look at yourself and ask, "Am I part of the problem, or am I the solution?" If you said, "Solution", then you might be right - or you might be wrong. Its all up to how you feel, and how you answered the question.

This video is considered the ultimate depiction of Afro-archaeological-socio-constructionalist, hermaneutical post-Geertzian, post-malinowskian (from the Deleuzian school of homeographic multiplicity), pre-cambrian, middle-pleistocinian hip hop currently available, and Okonkwo says its "dope". Do not watch this at work or someone may "bussa cap in yo ass" (aka, get you in trouble!).

The Republicans STOLE/CHEATED in Virginia and New Jersey

2009-11-04T12:12:00.004-05:00

This is the only explanation for the complete lies we saw last night - and its proof that we have to destroy the Republicans and enact Gentle Wind's plans. It is impossible that minorities and young people did not come out in DROVES for the Democrats last night - something must have been done to stop them. I know that when I went to vote, in two of the places I regularly vote I was denied at the door because they wanted an ID. THEY ARE NOT ALLOWED TO ASK FOR IDENTIFICATION. This is total bullshit.

Woo Hoo - Collective Wishes Breaks the First 100 posts!!

2009-11-03T10:06:00.005-05:00

Only slightly less important than Barrack Obama's first 100 days in office, my humble website that started from nothing JUST BROKE 100 POSTS!!!!!!!!! WE NEED TO CELEBRATE!!

During this time, we have VICIOUSLY defended everyone's free speech, including these REAL soldiers of truth, who represent everything that is good and kind and caring and decent in the world:

Ultrasounds should be made illegal!

2009-11-02T16:18:00.005-05:00

I don't know who this crazy womyn is, but clearly this shows how so-called "Ultrasounds" (nothing Ultra about them) are taking away a womyn's right to choose. The whole purpose of Ultrasounds is to psychologically interfere with the biological imperative of primate behavior to, I kid you not, "protect children". The religious wackjobs on the right are purposly utilizing "Ultrasounds" to cause PSYCHOLOGICAL TORMENT to womyn, FORCING them (biologically) into increasing the strain on the natural environment (carbon footprint, pollution, radiation, ozone layer, etc., the list goes on and on)...

If I had my way, the following "photograph" would be illegal (on moral grounds):

Jeff Foxworthy vs. Rush Limbaugh: the coup within the Republicrap Party

2009-11-02T15:28:00.012-05:00

Following a public exposure of Rush Limbaugh as the behind-the-scenes leader of the republican party, republicans everywhere were suddenly at a loss for who to turn to for all the good ideas on how to oppress people and cause mischief. Rush Limbaugh was all like, “I’m not having any of that – you’ll do what I SAY.” This got most of the republicans scared, according to some of my sources….but it didn’t scare all of the republicans. It turns out that a more ruthless republican is trying desperately to take over from Rush-So-Called-Limbaugh since he was outed as being the REAL person in charge. That man is Jeff Foxworthy. This white male spends all his time trying to convince certain segments of the population that, in fact, they might be “rednecks”. We on the left are freaked out by this, because we’re trying to expose them as all being racists, not just “rednecks”, and this redneck crap is somehow blunting the effect or something. Whatever, the point is Jeff Foxworthy has to go down – we need to expose him NOW.
To start off the whole effort of EXPOSING Jeff Foxworthy as a big fat racist fascist capitalist jerk, I will give you some “you might be a racist” jokes (these jokes should be used whenever people start repeating his sneaky “you might be a redneck” jokes). It is my hope that they will deflect attention away from the blunting effects of “you might be a redneck”, because being a redneck (or a racist) is not supposed to be a good thing.

…YOU MIGHT BE A RACIST:
1) If you are a republican, you might be a racist.
2) If you are a white male, you might be a racist.
3) If you live in a “red state”, you might be a racist.
4) If you don’t like taxes, you might be a racist.
5) If you do not like Barrack Obama, or if you will not do absolutely anything required to help him get rid of all the racists in this stupid country, then you might be a racist.
6) If you are constantly talking about “what Joe Biden just did….” then you might be a racist.
7) If all you do is listen to Rush Limbaugh, and especially Jeff Foxworthy, then you might be a racist.
8) If you eat meat, you might be a racist.
9) If you did not go to college (a real college), you might be a racist.
10) If you are a racist, you might be a racist. (HAHAHAHA - this one's my favorite!!)
11) If you think Israel shouldn’t be wiped off the map, you might be a racist.
12) If you constantly call Justice Sotomayor “scrota-mayor”, then you might be a racist.
13) If you play the banjo, you might be a racist.
14) If you do not purchase cars from GM, you might be a racist.
15) If all you care about seems to be “jobs” or the “economy”, you might be a racist.
16) If you visit anyone on my Enemies List, you most certainly are a racist and don’t you ever forget it.

Obviously NONE of these are really jokes - they are all facts. Facts about racists, actually. Clearly there are a lot of racists in this country. I will not tolerate it.

National Research Firm of Non-Partisan Activists issues correction...

2009-10-30T16:09:00.003-04:00

A spokesperson for the National Research Firm of Non-Partisan Activists has come out and issued a correction to an earlier report on the GDP/Jobs situation, and has expressed regret that it "messed up". They have promised not to "let it happen again". The new report was adjusted for fixed rate variable interest vehicles and exemptions, and gives a much clearer picture of "just what is going on".

UPDATED REPORT

Science: animals inherit the politics of their human companions

2009-10-30T10:55:00.009-04:00

For years, pet "owners" suspected, but were unable to prove the absolute fact that dogs who live with liberals tend to be more liberal than dogs who live with conservatives. Now, for the first time ever, this was confirmed in the Indian science journal Jonwar Chodu.
Pulling from an absolutely staggering sample size, they were able to scientifically conclude that not only are there general political similarities between humans and their dogs, but in fact these dogs became MORE politicized than their human companions. For example, if the human were to lean to the left a little on social issues like a womyn's right to dignity, and she had a dog, if the bitch made a mistake and got pregnant, the bitch would consume its own babies as a show of symbolic harmony with her human friend. Very interesting stuff! Likewise, conservative dogs would bully smaller dogs and steal socks and slippers and horde them somewhere safe. Sort of chilling, isn't it?

Conservative, male dog doing the Nazi salute:

Liberal bitch at peace with the universe:

Right-wing website is targetting Collective Wishes!

2009-10-29T15:55:00.003-04:00

All I tried to do was give some comments and try to reach a consensus on Levi Johnston to bring us all together in harmony and good will, and then I was completely stripped of my humanity and verbally made fun of. I have been crying for like an hour now and I can't stop - I WON'T stop... What is wrong with this world?

I am never going to Althouse again...

Update on Doug Hoffman....

2009-10-29T14:53:00.002-04:00

Just a quick update on that crazy person "Doug Hoffman".
Apparently a new picture of him has been uncovered, despite having been scrubbed from the internet by the republican party...or at least they TRIED to. But we were able to save it before they finished - good job everyone!

GDP - much bigger than is being reported (jobs too)

2009-10-29T13:32:00.004-04:00

First of all, whatever, its great that the so-called "press" is reporting that the GDP grew by 3.5 percent in the 3rd quarter of the 2009 fiscal year. But what they aren't telling you is that it has ACTUALLY grown by much, much more. According to the National Research Firm of Non-Partisan Activists, the annual GDP adjusted for market fluctuations, derivatives, premiums and amortization of dynamic assets is actually about 200 times what is being reported by the so-called "news". Basically, its more than ever, and proves that Rush Limbaugh and the right wingers do NOT know what the hell they are talking about.

Here's the proof which was released today:

Okay, okay OKAY, stop hounding me, sheesh - my picture.

2009-10-29T09:52:00.004-04:00

For the longest time, people have been hounding me: "Candle why don't you post your picture? What are you trying to hide? Are you deformed in some hideous way?!" No, I'm not - I was born healthy and all that implies because as a baby I refused to drink milk or eat anything made from animals. To this day, I only eat food which drops naturally to the ground from trees, wildflowers, wild mushrooms, that kind of thing. The incredible result, unfortunately, often takes away from my real message and so I usually choose not to reveal my image in public. I'm sooo sick of talking to well-meaning men, only to have them completely fall apart in awe (so I'm told). Whatever... Ok, I'm stalling, I may as well get to it.
Because I follow the mysterious ways of the Native Americal Indian, I refuse to have my picture taken by the instruments of the white man. But do not worry, here's a picture of me that an artist friend of mine painted. He embellished the background/scenery a little bit because he's funny that way, but the person in the image is me from about a year ago, and very realistic:

Candle on Canvas...

I am OUTRAGED!

2009-10-28T16:14:00.004-04:00

Apparently someone has been circulating this incredibly ugly, doctored picture of someone who doesn't even look like Janeane Garofalo and they are acting like it is real. She's a very beautiful woman, not this weird, greasy-looking creature...and they can only be doing this to smear her good name and discredit her wisdom. If anyone finds out who did this, please let me know. Once we know who it is I will get that information to the right people....

Jell-O promotes multiculturalism!

2009-10-27T16:16:00.003-04:00

This commercial shows how Jell-O has been promoting multiculturalism since like forever. We need to support them and insist that ALL corporations promote diversity! And any corporation that doesn't should be forced out of business for good. Actually, all businesses should be, but maybe let Jell-O be one of the last ones. I dunno.

Tofu update :(

2009-10-26T13:13:00.003-04:00

Aurora thinks that white childryn should be given an equal portion of tofu. She thinks we need to struggle for equality of ALL races. I tried to explain to her that "white" isn't really a "race", and that only white supremacists think so, but she started talking nonsense about how this is going to undermine our message, bla bla bla....

I'm going to check out her computer when she's not looking and see what websites she's been going to. Its for her own good...

Our spooky Halloween plans - revealed!

2009-10-26T10:08:00.003-04:00

This Halloween, Aurora and I will be dressing up as right wing, baby loving republican hypocrites. Why would we do this awful thing, you ask? Why would we not dress up as princesses and sexy kitty cats or some other such silliness? Many years ago, the ancient pagans got together and invented Halloween, or, as they called it that day, “all hallows eve”. The whole purpose was to scare away evil spirits by dressing up as monsters. Well, what better monster for this year’s celebration than a bunch of freaky, bible thumping, thick necked, cigar chomping, money-lending Republicraps? I’ll be dressing as a “pregnant” womyn, Aurora will be my soldier husbyn returning home from his tour in Iraq, fatigued from torturing peace-loving Iraqi’s in Abu Ghraib. We will be handing out goodies of course, but instead of candy, we will provide each so-called “child” a stick of celery and a scoop of tofu, along with a copy of Alinsky’s “Rules for Radicals”. White childryn will be given less tofu.

I call on ALL citizens of the world NOT TO DONATE TO DOUG HOFFMAN!

2009-10-23T11:36:00.003-04:00

If you are a true Barrack Obama supporter, you will NOT donate to DOUG HOFFMAN for Congress in New York. This guy is HORRIBLE: all he wants to do is lower taxes and reduce the size of government (so that white people can get more power). I personally believe all he wants to do is bring back slavery and force women to have babies...

DO NOT DONATE TO THIS MAN IF YOU VALUE LIFE ON EARTH AS WE KNOW IT!!

I know you may be tempted to believe all the lies by the right... You may be seduced by the amazingly easy donation method (Paypal), but do not do this. Donate to Obama instead! Or give to PETA or Earth First! But do not go to Doug Hoffman's website and click on "Paypal" and donate...or you will be part of the problem.

Thank you

Seeds of near-omnicient clarity from Barrack's early years...

2009-10-23T09:51:00.003-04:00

Just when I thought I couldn't be anymore in awe of the Leader in Our Struggle, I learn that I should not be so bold as to think I can really know the mind of Barrack completely. I am like a fly who buzzes around, not thinking much, just sort of going through life, only occasionally coming up with truly profound thoughts. Our Leader, Barrack Obama, apparently has these thoughts ALL THE TIME. I don't know why the so-called "Right" doesn't understand this (because they are stupid, that's why). Conservatives are so stupid...its like they are retarded children, barely worth keeping around if you ask me. I'm going to bring this up with Gentle Wind next time we are texting each other...

Directly from our Leader's thesis while at Columbia....

“… the Constitution allows for many things, but what it does not allow is the most revealing. The so-called Founders did not allow for economic freedom. While political freedom is supposedly a cornerstone of the document, the distribution of wealth is not even mentioned. While many believed that the new Constitution gave them liberty, it instead fitted them with the shackles of hypocrisy.”

A poem I came up with while protesting today...

2009-10-23T00:34:00.004-04:00

Today I was protesting against a homeless shelter (they were serving non-organic food), and generally enjoying the day, when the following poem popped into my head. Sometimes I don't know where these things come from! I was about to throw a balloon full of red paint at a homeless white male who was eating some sort of hot dog (because meat is murder) when the next thing I knew I'd grabbed one of those cardboard signs from some lady who was sleeping on the curb (how many trees died for that sign?). Then...I started to write - like the WIND. It was as if I were burning in the ever-living fire of class consciousness!

Ode to Tolerance: if I were conservative...
If I were conservative,
I'd switch affiliation,
To liberal and Democrat,
And fight deforestation!

If I were conservative,
I'd give away my money,
To Al Gore, Elf or PETA,
Because stingy isn't funny.

If I were conservative,
I'd struggle all my days,
To stop being conservative,
And be at one with gays.

If I were conservative,
I'd never watch Glenn Beck,
Because I think he's vile,
And deserves my disrespect.

If I were conservative,
I'd apologize to trees,
For all the wrong we whites have done,
To them and to the seas (and bees)...

Oooooh...if I were conservative,
I'd cry myself to sleep,
Because nobody'd like me,
Because nobody likes sheep!

Reaching the young people - IMPORTANT

2009-10-22T12:45:00.003-04:00

After health care gets implimented, we are expecting a sudden surge in the percentage of young people in the country via various mathematical formulas (over my head). Anyway, its more important than ever for us to reach the young people in this country if we're ever to keep...that is if we're going to be able to continue to help people. These girls are doing just that: reaching into the community by showing how fun being a progressive can be, and building trust. Yo!

...and the similarities keep on coming

2009-10-21T13:49:00.003-04:00

The trifecta of hate is now complete: Racism....Capitalism (xmas)...and Christianity (xmas again). This is a "trifecta". Of HATE.

Suspicious video uncovered...

2009-10-21T12:41:00.005-04:00

Take a look at the image in the video below....kind of looks like Uncle Jesse from the so-called "Dukes of Hazzard" hmm? And do you remember what Bo and Luke Duke used to drive around in? That's right - a car called the "General Lee". And what was PAINTED on that car!? The Confederate Flag! That's right...I hate to bring it to everyone's attention, but the "Dukes of Hazzard" was a show about racist white men driving around a racist car, all in the zombie-like service to "Uncle Jesse". And now this video...it makes my stomach hurt...eyes spinning around in my head....sweating... THIS VIDEO has a guy who looks just like Uncle Jesse! And he's blowing stuff up - just like in that racist television show! The similarities are appalling.... When will these people ever learn...

Racist Popeyes Video warning - not safe at work

2009-10-20T16:31:00.007-04:00

I don't know what's up with this world, this video is now on Youtube for all the world to gawk at. All the white people who didn't get chicken were completely edited out from this video, making it seem all racial and racist. I personally feel racially violated.

I demand to know who is responsible!

New proof that all the so-called "tea baggers" are racists uncovered!

2009-10-20T12:37:00.003-04:00

...Sentient Grass is getting worse...

2009-10-19T11:06:00.006-04:00

I don't know how to break this, but I guess the best way is simple honesty: Sentient Grass, our songbird warbler of rhythmic elocution is...well....now she's Jamaican :( Or, well, she THINKS she is...none of us know what to do. In addition to taking on the accent, she's been seen whistling and hooting at white women, and apparently she's taken like 6 part time jobs for no reason we can think of (she doesn't need the money - like most of us Wishes, she has a trust fund). And her music, the thing she loves most, is suffering. The editing of her music seems to be nonexistent (notice the equipment malfunction at 1:58 in the video).

I think we need to have an intervention.

Island nation of Maldives to hold underwater Cabinet meeting to show climate change threat

2009-10-16T16:31:00.001-04:00

Woo Hoo, just read this at so-called Breitbart.com.

Bharatha Mallawarachi, THE ASSOCIATED PRESS COLOMBO, Sri Lanka - Government ministers in scuba gear prepared Friday to hold an underwater meeting of the Maldives' Cabinet to highlight the threat global warming poses to the lowest-lying nation on earth.

The Maldives' president will lead Saturday's meeting around a table on the sea floor - 20 feet (6 metres) below the surface - and ministers will communicate using white boards and hand signals.

President Mohammed Nasheed has emerged as a key, and colorful, voice on climate change amid fears that rising ocean levels could swamp this Indian Ocean archipelago within a century. Its islands average 7 feet (2.1 metres) above sea level.

Nasheed is also a certified diver, while other ministers have had to take diving lessons in recent weeks.

"None of the ministers have ever been diving before, except the defence minister, and all of them are very enthusiastic," Zoona Naseem, president of Divers Association Maldives, said in a statement from the president's office.

Nasheed has already announced plans for a fund to buy a new homeland for his people if the 1,192 low-lying coral islands are submerged. He has promised to make the Maldives, with a population of 350,000, the world's first carbon-neutral nation within a decade.

The underwater Cabinet plans to sign a document calling on all countries to cut down their carbon dioxide emissions ahead of a major U.N. climate change conference in December in Copenhagen, where countries will negotiate a successor to the Kyoto Protocol. Greenhouse gases such as carbon dioxide are blamed for causing global warming by trapping heat in the earth's atmosphere.

Wealthy nations want broad emissions cuts from all countries, while poorer ones say industrialized countries should carry most of the burden.

On Friday, the Maldives ministers went diving for rehearsals off the island of Girifushi, about 20 minutes by speedboat from the capital, Male, said Aminath Shauna, an official from the president's office.

Three of the 14 ministers will miss the underwater meeting because two were not given medical permission and another is abroad, Shauna said.

Governor Schwarzenegger inspires aboriginals to use smaller camp fires!

2009-10-16T11:36:00.004-04:00

All of us Wishes know that Gov. Schwarzenegger is actually on our side and has been for a very long time. Occasionally he has to "act republican" just to calm the 4 or 5 republicans left in California, but we all agreed a while back that this was an acceptable loss. And it has paid off. One of our anthropologists in the field, whose name I cannot disclose, has uncovered a group aboriginals in the Trobriand Islands who heard about the possible banning of big screen TV sets in California and is now EMULATING that by regulating the size of their camp fires. Isn't that awesome?! What once was called a "Cargo Cult", where aboriginals would build airstrips and bamboo airplanes after WW2 to get the planes to return, now they are called "Carbo Cults". These Carbo Cults are all about reducing green house gas emissions - as well as living healthy aboriginal lives.

My friend, Sentient Grass, has sustained a head injury...

2009-10-15T16:01:00.005-04:00

Everyone has been asking me about Sentient Grass, looking for an update on how she's doing since the head injury, and I'm here to tell you that she seems to be doing fine...on the whole. She's still singing, which is great, but the doctor's can't explain her constant slipping into gibberish :( Another unfortunate side-effect to the accident is her constant reference to a brother named "Geronimo" (she's an only child, poor thing). I can't help but look at the head bandages and cry and hope she gets better soon.

RACISM ALERT: The United States Postal Services (so-called USPS) is actively trying to stop minorities from communicating!

2009-10-14T12:39:00.004-04:00

Its totally disgusting. Apparently, the Postal Service seems to think that minorities are too STUPID to realize that when they buy special stamps made just for them that it won't cover the entire 44 cents required for postage. These stamps are "seemingly" meant to commemorate great civil rights pioneers.....but just look at this stamp below - its only for 42 cents! Nevermind the fact that the Postal Service only wants minorities to use "special stamps" - that's the most racist thing I ever heard of... No, the really troubling part is that they are going to cause all these poor, peace loving people to have their letters returned. Everyone knows that the U.S. Postal Service is still being run by republicans who we haven't exposed yet - someone needs to get in touch with the media now and stop this travesty.

Here's the rest of the stamps if you absolutely must see it....I weep for the world.

Update on our secret combat defense task force

2009-10-14T10:29:00.002-04:00

A week or so ago I showed some of the secret training our organization is doing in preparation for when the right wing baby-lovers start attacking. The following video was taken in our "Blue State Dojo". Here we learn how to protect against unexpected sneak attacks... These techniques are DEADLY, so DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME (unless you are attacked by bankers, preachers or Duke Boys).

Limbaugh plan will indiscriminately determinate against gays...

2009-10-13T13:10:00.004-04:00

An Associated Press poll has just confirmed that the Limbaugh health plan will indiscriminately be against gays in America. However...the Bauccus bill bill DOESN'T. Please call your senators and congressmen and anyone you know and let them know. If you care anything about minorities, womyn, gays or people of color then you have got to support the congress in stopping the so-called "Limbaugh plan" where anyone who wants health care pretty much is out of luck. Finally this country has a chance at good health care and if you don't do something....then who will?